scary night
thank god the rash had subsided.
i’ve never been this afraid in my life before, it’s worst than waking up and suddenly having long-sightness when i took a funny fever pill.
but thank god it subsided.
today’s a horrible day.
people need to be healthy.
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light sleep
i sat down on a friday night at holland village, for a pint of beer, with the accompany of people i know.
i went home and opened the door that i’ve never opened for a really long time now and took out 6 cans of beer.
i sat down in front of the television, staring as the olympics proceeds to break even more world records, and emptied the cans one by one into the ice cold glass. gulping them down, drinking the beer as though it was a bottomless glass.
soon, the olympic games were over, and i was well tired from drinking all of that with an empty stomach. what i’ve been, made who i am now. someone who drinks from the bottomless glass, someone who never look on the bright side.
but that was the best night i’ve felt in ages. it wasn’t the alcohol. i allowed myself to forget everything in my head temporary. i allowed myself to erase all memories, the guilt, the hate, the dislikes, the worries i’ve been feeling for too long.
i fell asleep on the couch, instead of the my usual bed.
this time round, i finally felt it again. something, i have longed for ever since i remember.
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behold
the almighty naked legs.
without my gray jeans, without my stockings, sheer or opaque.
i had a bad day, mainly because of bad coffee and exams anxiety. and because i feel so bad, i shall just spread my misery and sorrowness to all reading this by showing you my naked legs. the extremely fair naked legs without my usual stockings or jeans to cover the fairness and the scars up. people actually do stare at my legs if i don’t wear stockings or jeans, so you may go figure how fair it can get.
exams anxiety is affecting my appetite and my horrible temper and shit. im so sorry to everyone who have to put up with my shit while the exam goes on, especially alex and weihao. thanks for really putting up with my shit, i can never imagine myself putting up with my own shit. i probably really do worry and stress too much on issues that should not even be a bother.
and i might really probably go for the much anticipated escape ever since 2 years ago. maybe to new zealand, australia, or europe. i am not really sure yet at the moment, or maybe if i am even really going since it is of such short notice. but at least this will lift my mood for awhile, or at least, through the exams.
i threw away my past, just to hope for a better future. i gave up my history, to hope that things can work out again. it will, one day, i believe. good things will finally happen to me. finally, everyone around me will be healthy and happy one day, especially me.
i still look forward to spending that afternoon with myself, just watching the world pass by. ignoring the familar ringing tones to my cell, and the ongoing music from my headphones, ignoring the fact that the world is crumbling into a thousand million pieces because of mankind, for the entire afternoon.
i am not perfect, i am flawed, horribly flawed, and that makes me normal, just like how everyone else should be.
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the frustration builds…
my mom is being too much of a problem. i don’t see the connection anymore. in fact, i don’t find the point to connect anymore. it will just be a build up of disagreement that the generation gap caused. i probably wasted 3/4 of my life now listening and obeying to her, giving in to her because i thought it was the right thing to do. what i expected, was a friendler approach, instead, i got the hostile approach.
i spent all my days outside, to prevent conversation with you.
i spent all my days outside, to avoid the disapproving face and voice.
im sorry i am not like every other girl who hangs out and play mahjong. im sorry that im not like every other girl who shows interest in chinese culture. im sorry that im not like the daughter you want me to be.
“im going to brainwash you out of your western culture.”
good try mom, now apart from not allowing me to study what i really want to, you want to change me. why not just bring me to plastic surgery, come out another person. why not just knock me out and me waking up to completely forgetting the past self?
i will probably allow this to build up till one day i’ll really break down.
i rather see myself break down than have another arguement with you. because it’s just not worth anymore.
what i expect from you is not to accept another person in my life.
what i expect from you is that to accept that i am the way i am, which you can’t. because it’s not something you expect, no where near someone you thought you’ll like.
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the greatest feeling ever
is to pretend that im a dead person.
i’ll have no worries, nothing to answer to and nobody who awaits my answer. i will have practically erase all of my worries and problems.
sometimes when i walk down the subway, i hope that someone takes out a gun and blow my head off. i’ll really thank that person for helping me end all of my million questions. but again, i’ll probably hate the person for giving me such an unglam death.
if only singapore has got more stuff, like guns and brass knuckles and 1000 other tv channels, i think it will be alot more interesting. at least i know, anytime today, when i step out, i might REALLY die. and my troubles and worries will REALLY be erased off.
“that was the best 97 seconds of my life!”
the writers of house are brillant as hell. i am sure they had given a thought about this before.
i wish i can pretend that im dead.
p.s. this is not an emotional post. think about it.
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trust…
they never come easy. sometimes, it don’t even knock on the door.
i have been forced to do alot of things in my life. to study just to look down on people who look down on my ability to score. to meet people who are just plain evil because they made me believe that they are harmless souls with multiple plastic halos above their big heads. to enter poly and complete a business diploma because apparently, it’s for my “future” that my parents had planned out for me. according to my parents, i cannot have a day when i can just sit down doing nothing and just watch the world goes pass me. according to alot of people, that’s a waste of an entire day. according to me, that will be my best day ever.
it was a long time ago, i decide not to trust nor believe. i know, some things are meant to be not followed. but the incidents i have seen these few weeks, from schoolmates to friends, i found an even bigger reason not to trust and believe. nobody is going to be there, forever.
i can’t trust, just because, i refuse to. i don’t believe that anything good can actually happen from it. everytime i trust, everything comes falling down. it is just how things are meant to be.
don’t tell me to do things i don’t want to do, whether momentarily or for good, because the more you do, the more i’ll just oblige and do it, for the sake of doing it. and i know i will regret doing it because it is then i realised that it’s too late to withdraw.
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mom…
i do alot of stuff for you and not for the sake of being happy myself.
i went to accountancy in poly because of you.
i spend time in the living room watching you steal my tv primetime and i just stare at my notebook because of you.
i spend alot of time at home and in the weekends with you because i fear you’ll get lonely.
im staying in singapore because i care that you cared.
i pick and choose my friends who will affect my life positively because i know you cared.
i choose to lead a lonely life because of you.
somehow recently, i feel that you’re pushing me away.
and it makes me feel that it’s difficult to tell you the truth.
help me out here.
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thursday night…
grape soda, and without a pay cheque till next monday
FUCK
half a month without money. this is obviously my first time being soooo extremely poor in my life
to prevent you from laughing at my face because im really fucking poor this month, here are some unedited pictures. i hope your eyes bleed.
im just REALLY lazy to edit them
sara loves me, more than anyone else. im sure. =D
guy taking a piss. hehe
im extremely tired
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pre-birthday celebrations
i had one celebration last night with my secret friends from the underworld.
prego dinner with a deal.
(all those were before going to lido to watch zohan. the sound system was seriously too soft to be heard)
so today i had another pre-birthday celebrations with roy and charissa. MY TWO FAVOURITE PEOPLE IN SCHOOL. of course there are more, but yeah man, these two kindda dominate the area of “best friends”. so we went to Brotzeit German Bier Bar & Restaurant at vivocity. i had largely introduced and recommended this restaurant to everyone i know because of their fucking awesome beer that is very different from everywhere else i went to. (moreover, zack and myself had practically numbed our tongue with budweiser the other day) well, it has great food, this HOT manager who took our food orders, and this cocky door bitch.
the slice of strawberry yogurt cake that charissa bought! thanks mate!
i really licked that cake
i seriously think that both of them want to eat the cake more than i do. charissa practically dug a hole in the middle of the cake with a fork.
roy and myself had sang “that’s what you get” from one side of the mall to another. the only reason why i like that song is the video, and the guy wearing the GK! disco tee in the video. it makes my shirt famous.
starbucks
i seriously do wanna look like captain jack sparrow sometimes. =[
concluding this eventful, tiring day, i licked and kissed charissa’s face a thousand million times. we were all full from german dinner. im surely going back just to look at the manager once more. im really happy that they took the effort to celebrate my birthday for me.
thanks roy and charissa for this wonderful night.
thanks the studio people for the wonderful night before too.
picture credits : charissa, roy
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lucky
im lucky that i don’t have a boyfriend whom dotes on me, i don’t have someone who calls me up at wee hours of the night when i am just sitting down and staring at my roof imagining how will my life be, and im just lucky that all of my friends chose to stick around whenever i am down and still single.
at this moment now, alot of you might already know that i have this lovehate relationships with alot of my friends that when i love them for a full moment and i totally hate something that they do and i can’t tell them because it’s either awkward or rude. well, most of the time, people just don’t take me seriously, so it doesn’t really matter what i say, or not. it’s really surprising that how most of them put up with my menstral temper most of the time. maybe in their head they’ll go, “maybe she’s having the time of the month!” and thus forgive me. that i will be really grateful for.
hours after listening, singing, doing projects altogther, i realised that i can actually produce a movie with my life substance. how i have faced death of a friend, my friend’s dad, and a couple of others all in the month of june, and still deeply sorry that i could not turn up at the funeral because it’s real damn bad luck if i did on the month of my birthday. and having 3 of my favourite people at the other end of the world, me waking up and them turning in. i couldn’t help but realised that as much as people still judge me as that naive oblivion girl who is always bubbly and ungrateful of everything, i judge people from how they look and speak, still.
i can’t help but think that since they are still torturing me this way, it’s only fair that i torture them back the same way but only worse. sometimes i hope that someone actually comes up to me in the middle of my lunch break and yell at me being so bubbly and ungrateful and making jokes out of other people’s expense, just so that i can yell back at them for not even trying to understand me.
but as i realised, it’s not going to happen. all of my friends had made the effort to understand me and try not to mention the word “cocaine” in front of me. all of my friends understand the reason why i don’t want to take a chance in boys even though i look like im a different species. they know that i don’t like to be bothered when i am busy, and they try not to even though they really want to talk, or not talk.
so why haven’t i tried understanding them?
now im starting to wonder, why they stuck around for so long.
im just your starbucks friend.
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